Venmo Money, Mo’ Problems

Lance and I met on OKCupid when spring decided to arrive early in late February, and I opted to come out of hibernation for the week.

Lance was a thoroughly bearded corporate accountant that was a tad bit on the huskier side, but I figured that would come in handy when regressing back  into hibernation as soon as the frigid temperatures inevitably returned.

We decided to meet at a local watering hole conveniently located  from where we both live between Hoboken and Jersey City

To my dismay, Lance was clearly huskier and had more gray hair than I was prepared for, but I decided to keep an open mind.

I’ve slept with worse, right??

I could delve into the details of the mundane conversation exchanged between Lance and I over an old fashioned and red sangria, but it is very possibly you may fall asleep…as I almost did.

At the end of the day, Lance was a lovely human being, but we possessed absolutely nothing in common.

As the bottoms were up on my first cocktail and his second, we mutually decided to call it a night.

The bill came and I pulled my credit card from my purse.

“Oh, this place only takes cash,” he said.

“Do they have an ATM? I never carry cash on me.”

I saw an ATM hidden in the corner and I approached it with my debit card only to find a sign that said it had run out of cash.

“You can just Venmo me for half,” he suggested.

I thought this was strange because looking at the tab my $7 happy hour special sangria was clearly much thriftier than his two old fashions which came to a grand total of $36, but for the sake of getting back to hibernation expeditiously I asked for his Venmo ID.

He went to look at his phone only to discover that it was completely dead.

“Ah, my phone died. I will text it to you when I get home.”

I agreed and began to gather my belongings and summon a taxi.

“Oh shit, I just realized I won’t be able to get an Uber if my phone is dead. Do you mind ordering me one?” He asked.

“Uh, well I need to order my own. You could just hail a yellow cab, no?”

“Nah. Uber is so much cheaper. Do you have Lyft or Juno? Another app?” He asked hopefully.

“Sure. I’ll get you a Lyft then.”

After forking over $19.47 to send my prince charming back to his apartment I figured it would be the last time I would hear from Lance.




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