Urine, Ur Out

Just before the six (unsuccessful) months of my eHarmony membership was up, I matched with Craig, a baby blue-eyed recently divorced social media strategist. Craig and I decided to meet for a drink after the work day one Thursday night.

Normally I would consider someone who was fresh off the ending of a marriage to be a slight red flag, but as I was rapidly approaching my 32nd birthday I decided it would behoove me to lower my standards cast a wider net and expand my horizons.

When I got to the wine bar of Craig’s choice he greeted me, and handed me a glass of Malbec. I our previous conversations via eHarmony I had mentioned that it was my drink of choice, but was  found it quite strange that someone I had never met would order me a beverage without me present.

Nonetheless, I thanked him for being thoughtful, and prayed it wasn’t roofied.

After twenty minutes of illustrating his tedious day-to-day routine of crunching cloud-based algorithms…..or whatever the fuck he does, I briefly summarized the the riveting work I do as an corporate accountant.

Our conversation thereafter was reasonably entertaining, and I was feeling rather hospitable that evening in particular, so I suggested Craig and I continue our little rendezvous back at my place.

We were on my couch enjoying a civilized glass of wine and rather civilized conversation when my roommates returned from a bar hopping extravaganza only to continue the party at our apartment.

Craig and I gladly joined in the fun of polishing off an entire bottle of tequila.

Clearly in no shape for sexual activity or a journey back to his own place, I invited Craig to pass out in my bed.

I woke up early in the morning to him standing in front of my closet.

Then I heard it…


Craig was pissing all over the floor of my closet.

All over my shoes.

All over my hamper full of clothing.

After coming to grips with reality and noticing that it was in fact my wardrobe and not a toilet in which he was pissing in, he apologized, and made an attempt to salvage my belongings from his mid slumber urination.

I had Craig carry the contents of my hamper to the basement to the washing machine, then threw him out, along with several pairs of perfectly good suede boots.


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