After numerous pathetically failed attempts with the plethora of dating apps on the market, I decided experimenting a new matchmaking service called the DatingRing. Though a bit pricey, I was physically able to meet with a professional matchmaker and acquaint her with exactly what I was looking for in a woman and more importantly, what I was NOT.
The matchmaker showed me a profile of a delightfully attractive young damsel named Sydney and assured me that we would be undoubtably compatible.
Sydney and I evidently had quite a few things in common. We both shared a passion for the outdoors, adopted miniature border collies and enjoyed watching football on Sundays. Sydney sounded like a an extremely suitable candidate for me so I promptly reached out to hopefully begin a courtship.
As usual in the ever-bustling city of New York, our schedules were jam-packed, but eventually we agreed to meet for brunch on a Sunday afternoon.
I arrived at a popular brunch spot in the Jane Hotel 15 minutes early to make sure I secured our reservation. Sydney walked in about 15 minutes late and greeted me at our table where I was already seated.
After exchanging pleasantries the waiter approached us and I asked her if she would like a brunch cocktail.
“Oh, I don’t drink. I will just have a water, please.”
Now, I have absolutely nothing against people who choose not to drink, but most of my social activities (along with everyone else in this city) involve the consumption of alcoholic beverages and often times on an excessive level.
“No big deal. I will have a Bloody Mary,” I said. “Would you like a coffee, tea or anything?”
“No, I doubt any of their coffee or tea is organically harvested. Do you know if your coffee or tea is harvested organically?” She asked the waiter.
The waiter looked at her as if she was on crystal meth. “I don’t know. Probably not.”
I then began to study my menu and asked Sydney if she knew what she wanted to eat.
“I am actually not eating. I am on a cleanse right now and I don’t think anything on this menu is vegan,” she said.
“What about the avocado salad? Will that work?” I eagerly suggested.
“No. I will just have my water. Most of the dressings in salads contain some kind of animal bi-product.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I wish I had known or we could have done something else besides getting cocktails and eating, brunch food,” I remorsefully replied.
After 20 minutes of spouting off about how consuming only organic, gluten free, non GMO nutrition and abstaining from alcohol will lead to a much healthier physical being, I scarfed down the rest of my chorizo eggs Benedict and tertiary Bloody Mary, and I decided I’d had my fill in more ways than one.
As I attempted to say my goodbyes to Sydney, she invited me to grab a coffee at Starbucks.
…Because I am sure that is ‘organically harvested.’