Golden Girl

After a slew of harrowing experiences with the plethora of females on mobile dating applications such as Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, I decided it was time to turn things around and splurge on an eHarmony membership to see if it would enhance my atrocious luck with  the quality of women I had been having recently.

After all, you get what you pay for, right?

I met Cydney and though she may have carried a few more pounds around her mid section than advertised, it was nothing a few pilsners couldn’t fix.

I also enjoyed keeping Cydney’s company because she was quite the drinking buddy. I am almost ashamed to say that her ability to hold her alcohol far surpassed my own.

After 6 beers, 3 shots of a patron and a whiskey ginger, I had had enough. It was time to call it a night.

“Go home already? Awww come on!”

“No, really. It’s time for me to go to bed.”

OK, well why don’t I come with you?’

As if I was going to decline such a request?? We jumped in a Uber and were back at my place within 15 minutes.

As you can imagine, we did whatever two consenting, heavily intoxicated adults do whenever they return from a night of drinking, then promptly passed out in my bed.

I woke up fairly early the next morning and let her sleep in. A few hours went by and it was time for me to get on with my day. I went in to wake her up and it was evident that she was feeling a bit randy in the morning. Naturally, I hopped back into bed.

Then I hopped right back out.

“…..Why is there a big wet spot on my bed? Jesus, what is this? Did you wet the bed?!”

“Oh, I think I may have spilled my water.”

“What water? There is no water glass in here.”

She timidly put her clothes back on as I gather the pee-stained sheets from my mattress and shoved them into a trash bag to take to the laundromat.

When I got home I found a note on my counter apologizing for the accidental golden shower on my mattress and saying that she still hopes to hear from me in the future.

Fat chance.


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