Election Anti-Erection

While flipping through my Tinder account waiting for the L train I came across a profile of a girl named Lauren. Lauren, a petite brunette who was apparently gainfully employed in the public relations field had one too many pictures donning suspiciously oversized sunglasses for my liking, but I figured I’d roll the dice and give it a right swipe.

We ended up matching and after messaging back and forth over my lunch break we agreed to meet the following evening for a cocktail after the workday was over.

I picked a spot in the Refinery Hotel since it is close to her office and inconspicuously snuck out of work just after 5:30 to make sure I beat the happy hour crowd for two seats at the bar for our 6 o’clock rendezvous.

Lauren texted me several minutes later telling me she had arrived at said establishment. I stood up in search of a petite brunette but unfortunately I saw nothing of the sort. Instead I was approached by a much, much…..much larger version of woman I made plans with the evening prior.

Not wanting to be a complete asshole,  I offered her a menu and summoned the bartender to fetch her beverage of choice.

We soon got to talking about our life stories and the way we both coincidentally were born in the midwest and somehow made it to the sensational capital of the universe that is New York City while we sipped on whiskey sours and vodka cranberries.

“So the election is coming soon. Who are you voting for?” Laura asked inquisitively.

“Oh gosh, To be honest I don’t really support either of them. I am so sick of this election I can’t wait to be over. I may not even vote.”

This admission was apparently an atrocious mistake.

“I mean, I think not voting at all is like voting for Trump. Not voting for Hillary is a vote against her because it only helps Trump.”

“Like I said, I don’t really know what I am going to do. I don’t support Trump and I don’t support Hillary,” I replied as my desperate attempt to avoid the ever so annoying and ubiquitous presidential election conversation.

“So you don’t support women having rights to their own body? Or income equality? I am a woman and I deserve to have every right that a man has in this country.” She said fervently. “I am sorry, but I think I will have to excuse myself. There is no way I can date someone who can inadvertently support a bigot like Donald Trump.”

Speechless, I beckoned the bartender to bring me the bill as I have never been mored turned off by another human being in my 32 years on this planet.

Lauren rummaged through her purse and retrieved her wallet. Being the old school gentleman that I am, it is not in my DNA to allow a woman to pay on a first date (or any date for that matter), but being that she was so incredibly passionate about men and women having equal rights I gladly placed my credit card alongside hers in the billfold.

“Well, that was fun,” I said sarcastically.

“Oh and what a gentleman you are to let the lady help pay the bill.”

Cleary, that was the last I will ever see of Lauren…hopefully.

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