Around Christmas time I really started feeling the pressure of my parents yearning for my brother or I to finally meet a significant other and hopefully produce some sort of offspring before they are either deceased or too senile to comprehend the idea of a grandchild.
Lucky for me, my generous family decided to give me the gift of love (or at least attempt to) with a 6 month membership to eHarmony. See proof below.
“This is your last chance to find love. Should you not do so within the allotted time, you will probably die alone.”
After spending 45 minutes of my life (that I will never get back) ostensibly trying to describe myself to a potential soul mate in 200 words or less, I finally finished my profile. Bring on the men!
Shortly after, I was contacted by Ben and after going through the tedious process of back and forth questionnaires we agreed to meet for a drink.
Ben was in his residency for physical therapy, had brown hair and light hazel eyes. Overall he looked very handsome. Ben may have had a few more extra pounds around the waistline than I would prefer, but all beauty fades anyway. Right??
I also awarded Ben some well deserved bonus points for selecting a cocktail lounge right down the street from where I reside which is more than I can say for some other lazy assholes that have taken me out in the past.
When we sat down for a drink I could barely understand him when he spoke. He was inaudibly mumbling and it was quite agitating to say the least. Every time he made a statement I would find myself saying, ‘WHAT? EXCUSE ME? COME AGAIN?’
I was also irritated by the fact that he had his elbows on the bar and had his hands folded together up by his mouth covering it.
Finally, I said, “Ben, you know what, I seriously cannot understand a word that it coming out of your mouth. If we are going to continue chatting I need you to remove your fists from your face and speak more clearly.”
Ben slowly removed his hand sandwich from his chin and he very clearly stated, “Sorry, I am just a little insecure about my teeth. I am going to get them fixed at some point in the future, but I just don’t have the money right now.”
Subsequently and to my horror, Ben opened his mouth and displayed just what he was referring to. It now made sense why his profile never depicted him smiling with his mouth open.
It looked as if a bomb went off inside his mouth.
^Think this guy. No. Joke.
Being that my dad is a dentist I am especially fussy about oral hygiene, but I had not seen a mouth this dreadful in person since my mission trip to Panama a year prior when I went with my parents to help provide dental care to indigenous jungle dwellers.
Though I was quite repulsed by the sight before me, I didn’t want to be an asshole.
“Oh, don’t be insecure…we all have our insecurities!” I said with a smile.
This was my pathetic attempt at trying to brush off the subject without spewing a blatant lie by trying to suggest they ‘weren’t that bad.’
Ben texted me a few days later but in the end I had to tell him that I didn’t quite feel that romantic connection I was looking for, to which he amicably accepted and wished me luck in my search.
I do hope Ben finds a great girlfriend and an awesome dentist and in the meantime, I will not be accepting dates unless I can see their teeth displayed in their profile pictures.