Picture Pathetic

Just before the six (unsuccessful) months of my eHarmony membership was up, I matched with Craig, a baby blue-eyed recently divorced social media strategist. We decided to meet for a drink after the work day one Thursday night.

Normally I would consider someone who was fresh off the ending of a marriage to be a slight red flag but as I was rapidly approaching my 32nd birthday I decided it would behoove me to lower my standards cast a wider net and expand my horizons.

When I got to the wine bar of Craig’s choice he greeted me and handed me a glass of Malbec. Previously in our conversations via eHarmony I had mentioned that it was my drink of choice but was quite surprised for someone I have never met in person to present me with a beverage upon arrival, but I thanked him for being thoughtful and prayed it wasn’t roofied.

Craig wasted no time in getting down to the nitty gritty.

“So what are you looking for in a relationship? I just got out of a pretty unhealthy marriage and I just want something positive. Are you looking for the same?”

Being the sarcastic asshole that I am I replied, “No, I was actually looking for something really negative and slightly abusive.”

*crickets*….tough crowd.

Craig then began to inquire about what type of guy I was typically attracted to.

“Oh I don’t really have a type, physically. It has always been a smorgasbord. I just like good people that like to have fun as generic as that sounds,”

“You are somewhat my type,” he said. “I do like blondes but you are much taller than what I normally date. I like super petite girls, but I do think you are super cute!”

He then proceeded to take out his cellular phone and insisted on showing me pictures of what he considers ‘his type.’

“This is my ex wife. Physically she fits exactly what I am looking for but she was such a gold digger. I think she was just after my money.”

As he pathetically slid through his digital photo album staring at pictures of his former spouse I decided it was completely appropriate for me to take my cell phone out and text my friends to make another plan.

After putting one more drink on his tab for good measure  I said my goodbyes and was on my merry way.

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