Tinderella, what a Fella’

One day I reluctantly schlepped into a Lower East Side gastro pub after trekking from Hoboken in the pouring rain to meet Karl, a tall glass of water originally from Westchester living on, surprise, the Lower East Side. It should have been my first admonition, but I digress.

After chatting over some craft beers and a tomato burrata, I thought it was going exceptionally well. We both had an affinity for winter sports, both studied abroad in Spain, and we bonded over our hatred for the  the blatant and over abundant misuse of the word ‘literally.’

We were nearing the end of our evening and I was delighted when he expressed how much he enjoying my company and that he would fancy seeing me for a second date, to which I gladly accepted.

I excused myself to use the ladies room and when I returned to my bar stool I had a clear view of what he was doing on his cell phone.

Tindering.

I get it, this was our first date and just because he asked me on a second does not make him my fiance, but perhaps he could have waited to end one date before he shamelessly searching for another.

“Oh, so how is Tinder going today? Find anything good?”

Clearly blushing as he was so busted, “Haha, sorry, I’m having a great time with you, it’s just good to have several irons in the fire, ya know?”

“I know all too well I suppose. Happy swiping. Thanks for the drinks.”

 

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Golden Girl

After a slew of harrowing experiences with the plethora of females on mobile dating applications such as Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, I decided it was time to turn things around and splurge on an eHarmony membership to see if it would enhance my atrocious luck with  the quality of women I had been having recently.

After all, you get what you pay for, right?

I met Cydney and though she may have carried a few more pounds around her mid section than advertised, it was nothing a few pilsners couldn’t fix.

I also enjoyed keeping Cydney’s company because she was quite the drinking buddy. I am almost ashamed to say that her ability to hold her alcohol far surpassed my own.

After 6 beers, 3 shots of a patron and a whiskey ginger, I had had enough. It was time to call it a night.

“Go home already? Awww come on!”

“No, really. It’s time for me to go to bed.”

OK, well why don’t I come with you?’

As if I was going to decline such a request?? We jumped in a Uber and were back at my place within 15 minutes.

As you can imagine, we did whatever two consenting, heavily intoxicated adults do whenever they return from a night of drinking, then promptly passed out in my bed.

I woke up fairly early the next morning and let her sleep in. A few hours went by and it was time for me to get on with my day. I went in to wake her up and it was evident that she was feeling a bit randy in the morning. Naturally, I hopped back into bed.

Then I hopped right back out.

“…..Why is there a big wet spot on my bed? Jesus, what is this? Did you wet the bed?!”

“Oh, I think I may have spilled my water.”

“What water? There is no water glass in here.”

She timidly put her clothes back on as I gather the pee-stained sheets from my mattress and shoved them into a trash bag to take to the laundromat.

When I got home I found a note on my counter apologizing for the accidental golden shower on my mattress and saying that she still hopes to hear from me in the future.

Fat chance.

 

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Chinese Exit

I met Andrew while he was involved in a long distance relationship. We were both members of the same social circle so we did end up seeing each other quite frequently, and the chemistry between the two of us was absolutely unquestionable.

Despite the undeniable mutual enchantment we had for one other, Andrew never once did anything to disrespect his girlfriend, making it even harder to resist the obvious temptation.

One day I was sitting in my cubical swiping through tinder debating  whether I wanted to order Thai or Latin fusion on GrubHub later for dinner that evening.

Then it happened. A text from Andrew.

He basically told me that things had not been working out with his girlfriend for quite some time now, and he had finally decided to call it quits.  Andrew then invited me out to dinner that weekend and the butterflies in my stomach were ecstatic.

Saturday rolled around and I was rummaging through my closet like a pathetic school girl trying to find the perfect ensemble for my long anticipated first date with Andrew. He had yet to mention where we were going for dinner so I was anxiously awaiting for him to message or call to tell me where to meet him so I could better decide what the appropriate outfit would be.

He called me and told me that he wants to make me dinner.

Hmm. OK. Traditionally I don’t feel comfortable meeting for a first date at a someone’s residence but being that he wasn’t a stranger, I accepted. I also felt it was a romantic gesture  for him to offer to make me dinner, so I threw on something more casual and hopped in an Uber.

I could  feel the sweat forming on the palms of my hands waiting for the elevator to arrive at the 7th floor. I tried to imagine what he would cook for me. Would there be candles? Would he have wine? I anticipated his adorable face as he cut up vegetables and stirred a steaming pot attempting to impress me with the perfect meal.

The door opened and there was none of this.

Andrew was in sweat pants and there was no evidence or remnants of any meal being prepared whatsoever.

“So thanks for coming over. Not sure what you wanted to eat I was thinking we could order some Chinese or a pizza, what do you think?”

“Chinese works I guess.”

He ordered some Lo Mien and Kung Pow chicken from his smart phone and popped open a bottle of Malbec. We settled down on the couch and he proceeded to engage me in a conversation about the blatant chemistry that was ever so evident between us.

“So it is pretty clear that there has always been some sexual tension between us and I just kind of wanted to explore that. I did just get out of a relationship so I’m not looking for another but I think we could probably have some good fun together.”

“So…you basically invited me here to have sex with you?”

“Well, I wasn’t so sure it would happen right away but I don’t see why we wouldn’t just have at it since we’ve been attracted to each other for so long.”

“Oh. Here I was thinking you actually wanted to get to know me and take me on a date. How funny.”

“I mean, like I said, I’m newly single so I don’t really care about getting to know anyone unless it’s in a sexual sense. So we can either have a physical relationship or we can just be friends.”

I wasn’t sure if it was how hungry I was or if he just made me sick to my stomach, but I quickly excused myself.

As I left the elevator I saw a little Chinese man with a brown paper bag. I asked him if it was for 7B and he confirmed that it was.

“That’s actually for me. I will just take it.”

I left him  tip and enjoyed my Chinese food that Andrew was kind enough to purchase for me.

 

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Stone Home

By the spring of 2015 I was feeling slightly discontented with my circumstances considering I was officially the only member of my social circle that was not married. Not only was I not yet committed to the holy vows of matrimony, I didn’t even have a boyfriend.

The silver lining to my friends dropping off the market like flies was that the men in their lives brought in new prospects for a single gal such as myself. My dear friend Margot introduced me to her husband’s friend Bryan.

Bryan seemed like quite the catch. Easy on the eyes, stable employment and no excess baggage that I was aware of. What more could a bachelorette desire in potential a suitor?

I arrived at the gastropub he selected on the Upper West Side at 7 PM. I am historically very punctual and I know how terribly unpredictable subways can be on the weekends so I wasn’t bothered too much by the fact that he was 15 minutes late. I sipped on a glass of Cabernet and anticipated his arrival.

When he sat down I did expect a quick apology or a simple explanation for his tardiness, but I received neither.

I immediately observed that he was rigorously stroking the palms of his hands on his jeans. After a good 30 straight seconds, I had to ask.

“Are you OK? You seem a little anxious and you keep rubbing your legs.”

“Yeah yeah. I’m good. It just feels good and calms me down a bit.”

I noticed that he had yet to order a beverage and suggested it might help calm his nerves.

“No. No no. I don’t think I can drink anything. That won’t help.”

He then turned around to the couple behind us and sheepishly requested that they stop speaking so loudly because it was causing him to feel uncomfortable (I couldn’t even hear them).

“I have to ask, Bryan. Are you high?”

“I did eat a weed gummy bear a bit  ago and it kind of just hit me. Usually I smoke and I’m totally cool but this is the first time I’ve done this and it’s kind of tripping me out.”

I paid my tab and made my way back to the train.

I was impressed with his audacity to text me two days later requesting a do-over. Clearly it wasn’t a match and I politely declined, but I did tell him if he could hook me up with some good bud we could talk.

 

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5 Pics That Will Guarantee A Left Swipe

Whether you are swiping to find  your soul mate, a summer fling or just a warm body for an evening, there are a plethora of photos to entertain us in this ever riveting quest that we call online dating.

In this post we will begin to scratch the surface of the photos that will inevitably cause 99.9% of women to swipe left.

Pay attention boys. If you or your friends display any of these examples, you might want to make some changes. Fast.

  1. Pictures hanging all over some girl(s)

Case in point, the picture below. This guy is apparently looking to meet someone considering the fact that he IS on a dating site yet he is depicted looking somewhat intimate with someone else. Girls have no choice but to automatically assume that you are A, already taken but looking for a side piece, or B, single but trivial enough to think that we would want to date a guy that is constantly trying to bump uglies with other women and have no shame in showing it off.

Left swipe.

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2. Homoerotic Bro Pics

Not much really needs to be said about this. Nothing is as unsexy as a bunch of half naked dudes looking like they are enjoying each others company a bit too much.  IMG_5781-2 copy

 

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3. Douchy pics in front of fancy cars or private jets

As a rule of thumb, the more you brag about how much money you make, the smaller we are going to assume your penis is. Pics in front of  fancy cars or private jet just make you look like a total D bag. Success is certainly an attractive attribute in a partner but arrogance is not.

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4. Gym/shirtless selfies

I…I just can’t. The fact there are people in this world that think this will get our panties wet is really disturbing.

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5. Car selfies

This generation as a whole has been plagued by the phenomenon that is the selfie. Girls are equally as guilty of this blatant display of shameless narcissism. Let’s join together and stop the madness.

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Happy swiping!

 

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The Ex Factor

A few weeks into my stint on Match.com, I received a well-mannered message from a blond-haired, blue-eyed financial journalist that lived on the upper east side named Evan. After exchanging numbers, Evan suggested we get drinks at a charming speakeasy in Greenwich Village.

When I showed up to meet him, he was sitting at the bar awaiting my arrival. He was thankfully just as advertised in his profile pictures and dressed like a dapper young gentleman. The conversation was as smooth as butter and I could already tell that I would be pleased as punch to see Evan for a second date.

One drink turned into grabbing tapas at Brasserie down the block as we entered into the quintessential discussion of how online dating had been going and what our reflections were so far.

Me: It has been interesting to say the least. I go through phases where one day I am determined to get back in the saddle and put myself out there, but then it quickly gets exhausting. But clearly, you caught me at a ‘back in the saddle phase.’

Evan: I hear you. I joined not long ago because I just got out of a relationship and I’m trying really hard to get over my ex-girlfriend. It hasn’t been easy but eventually I know it will happen.

Naturally this was a ginormous buzz kill and butterflies in my stomach quickly flew away.

Me: Interesting. Well, we should get the check.

Evan: Oh, shit. I probably shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. We don’t need to get the check let’s have another round. SHIT, that was a bush league move.

Me: I think I’m OK. Best of luck finding your rebound, but I’m not it..

Hey Evan, go to therapy, not on dates.

 

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Buddy System B*tch

I was very excited to hear from Kelly after matching with her on Bumble. I’m a sucker for petite brunettes with curvaceous behinds, so Kelly was just my type.

I invited her to grab drinks at a place in close proximity to where she worked in SoHo. Upon arrival I received a text that she would be running a few minutes late, so I ordered a pint of Sam Winter Ale and caught the highlights of last weekends college football games.

And I waited…

and waited.

45 minutes after our initial meeting time, my spidey senses were telling me I was being stood up. I shot her a text saying that I was going to finish up my beer and be on my way.

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Hmm. Ok. I figured keeping the company of 2 women for the evening wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.  The more the merrier? Right?

WRONG.

This bitch brought her friend alright. A dude.

As I make her acquaintance she says, “Sorry, to spring this on you, I just feel much safer if I have someone with me when I am meeting strangers for the first time. You can never be too careful.”

There are an estimated 8,000,000 people occupying the island of Manhattan on a daily basis. Roughly 45 of those people were in our establishment at this particular time. Pulling off a successful kidnapping would be very impressive to say the least.

We all awkwardly sat down and ordered a round of drinks. I spent most of the ‘date’ listening to the two of them reminisce about their college days. They ordered a plate of potato skins and mozzarella sticks and chowed down as if I don’t exist.

As we were wrapping things up, the guy said he is going to head out to give us some time to get to know each other better.  At that point, I was not even remotely interested.

As soon as he walks out the door, the waitress drops the check and Kelly sat there happily as I picked up dinner and drinks for her and her friend.

When we left she presumptuously informs me that she is going on vacation so she won’t be around for 2 weeks, but can meet up after that.

Sure, Kelly. Looking forward to it.

 

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