The Triology

Though it was nearly impossible to resist his devilishly handsome good looks and charming, charismatic personality, I just didn’t see a second date in our future.

You’ve got to hand it to him though. That didn’t stop him from trying.

Charles, you’re the man and we are all rooting for you!

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Movie, Move On

After living in the exciting metropolis that is Manhattan for 6 years, the fly-by-night spending habits of my early 20s  began to catch up with me, causing my credit cards to end up in my freezer and me to end up back at my parent’s house in Morristown, New Jersey.

I was single, broke, and pushing 30. This was a new low for me.

One Friday after work, I made the hour and 20 minute commute on the NJ Transit. I was dreading yet another evening watching reruns of the bachelor with my 17 year-old sister while all of my friends were most likely sipping gin and tonics and just enjoying being somewhat financially stable city-dwellers.

My mother walked into my room and informed me that her coworker has a son around my age and they wanted to set us up for a date that weekend in particular. After the obligatory Facebook stalk, I decided to take a date with Matt.

The next day, Matt called me and after bullshitting about the weather, he invited me to go to a movie. Traditionally I don’t see going to the movies as a reasonable first date option since you essentially sit there in silence and don’t really get to know each other, but to avoid sounding problematic, I agreed to see a film.

I must preface that 99.9% of people who live in New York City do not own a car. Since Matt was coming in for the weekend to dog sit for his mother, he said he would not have access to a vehicle, since his mother was obviously out of town. No big!

The next day I pulled up to Matt’s mom’s house and he jumped in the car. We seemed to have good conversation on the way to the cinema so I was hoping that he would be up for a drink or something after the show.

As we approach the counter, he asked me if I would mind getting the movie tickets, and he would get dinner.

OH. I didn’t realize we were having dinner, but ummm…ok.

I grabbed the tickets and he says he is going to run to the men’s room. As he walked off he says, “Jump in line and grab us a popcorn and a Sprite. I will be right out!.”

There were a few people in line ahead of me, so I figured he would be  back before it was time to pay for the snacks he so eagerly craved.

Not so much.

He pranced out of the bathroom without a care in the world and we settled into our seats with the overpriced popcorn and soda I so graciously purchased for him.

After the movie, he casually mentions that he is really tired and doesn’t think he is going to make it to dinner. No surprise there. As we approached the exit, Matt notices that it is drizzling outside.

“Oh shit! It’s raining out and this jacket is suede. Do you mind swinging the car around and picking me up?”

Wow. Sure, Matt. All over it, my princess.

I got in the car, and I headed straight home. Without Matt.

#sorrynotsorry

 

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Prosecco Pedophile

I went out with Christian after connecting on Match. This was my first ever Match.com date and I was excited about putting myself out there to meet a potential partner.

Christian picked a lovely Italian spot in the West Village, and when I showed up, I was relieved to discover that he was accurately comparable to his profile pictures. Things seemed to be going into a positive direction, and I looked forward to getting to know each other over a glass of Prosecco and some sun dried tomato bruschetta.

Those feelings quickly diminished when we sat down at the bar and Christian opened his mouth.

“So I’m really excited to be your first Match date. I’m trying to turn over a new leaf and date girls that are a little bit older. I usually date girls who are much younger than you and I haven’t been having any luck.”

“Um, I’m 26. Who are you dating? Teenagers? And how old are you?”

“I’m 35. But I usually prefer women that are 24 and younger. Once girls hit 25 it’s kind of all down hill for you guys.”

“Well, your hairline is already receding. Do you see that getting any better for you in the future?”

He then proceeds to tell me that he will get more distinguished and wealthier with age, and that I have already reached my peak.

*FACEPALM* 

Clearly the date didn’t last much longer and I quickly sucked down the last of the bottle (because no bottle of delicious Prosecco should ever be wasted on account of some D bag).

A few days later, he was delusional enough to think I would actually be up for another date. He was so mature about it too:

christian

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Ale House, Fail House

I met Kevin on some site/app. They are all the same to me at this point, so it really doesn’t matter.  I saw no initial red flags so when invited me out for a cocktail so I was looking forward to making his acquaintance.

He asked me if there was any place in particular that I would like to go to which I replied, “I’m not picky, but I don’t drink beer.

Just a little trivia, according to the 2015 US Census poll, there are a total of 16,908 bars/restaurants on this little island we call Manhattan.  It should not be difficult to find a proper spot for a first date.

The morning of our get together, Kevin texts and informs me that he has chosen a charming little  pub called McSorley’s Old Ale House. I had heard of McSorley’s before but had never been. From my understanding, it was a total frat bar, but I am always up for a good dive. Also, despite it being labeled an ‘ale house,’ I assumed it would have options for the non beer-drinkers such as myself.

I arrived at the bar and after we sat down the bar tender approached us and asked “light or dark?”

Confused, I look at Kevin and awaited his reply. He chose dark and explained to me that there were only 2 choices on the menu. A light beer and a dark beer.

You had ONE job, Kevin.

“Oh, ok. I may just sit this round out. I really don’t like beer.”

“Yeah I remember you saying that, but I’ve always wanted to try this place. You said you’re not a beer drinker but I thought maybe it wasn’t your favorite but you would still have one if need be.”

“Well, with as many establishments that sell alcoholic beverages in this city, I don’t think I  need to drink beer.”

After he finished his drink, he asked me if I would like to go somewhere else. Though I was annoyed, I honestly had nothing better to do, so I agreed.

He said, “OK great! Let me just get one more beer here because it’s really cheap, then we can find a place to get you something.”

After he ordered his drink, I politely excused myself and bid him farewell.

 

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Meet, Greet, Cold Feet

Thanks to the reader who submitted! We are sorry you had to deal with this asshole and hope he dies alone.


I matched with Jared on Bumble and after chatting for a bit we decided to meet. I should have known he was a total dick when he chose a restaurant oh so conveniently located right next to his apartment, but I digress.

I must add that this date in particular took place in December of 2015 when it was a balmy 70 degrees in New York City.

We got to the bar and I could immediately sense that there was no chemistry. No big deal. It happens. It’s just a drink, and I don’t have to marry the guy.

Before we even sit down he said, “Hey, I’m going to run back to my place and grab my coat; I’m really cold.”

I sensed his hesitation about continuing the date and replied, “Listen, if you aren’t feeling this, that is fine. You can just be honest.” I wish he would have been, because I was equally disinterested in wasting my time bullshitting about the weather with someone I had no intension of sleeping with.

“NO NO NO! I am just freezing! Wait here and I will be right back.”

As I wait and sip on my Moscow mule, I watch the minutes go by. Considering he lives in the adjacent building, after 10 minutes pass, I realize I have been ditched.

I finish my drink and as I am leaving the bar I receive this:

IMG_5808 copy

Thanks, Jared. Way to grow a pair.

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6 Things Guys Should Never To Do Before Going On A Date

Ok so you found a cute, seemingly normal guy in the sea of douche bags we unfortunately call our dating pool. In a poll of 20 or so women, here are the things guys do that will inevitably piss us off before we even meet.

  1. Picking a place that is right next to their apartment yet entirely inconvenient for her.

Brooklyn

New York is a pretty easy place to get around, but meeting in the middle isn’t asking a lot. If getting to a meeting point involves more that 2 transfers on a subway or crossing more than one river, we’re going to be pissed. Of course there are exceptions, such as if you have been discussing a place in particular. Countless guys will suggest we meet at bar that is on their block. That tells us either you’re lazy as hell, or you are blatantly trying to take us back to your place after.

**extra points to the gentlemen that offer to meet somewhere in the lady’s neighborhood.

2.  Trying too hard to start conversations via text before the date

Asking to much before date

I get it, you want to appear that you are trying to get to know us, but that is the whole point of a date. We will get to know each other then. If the chemistry and conversation aren’t there in person it doesn’t matter how pleasant our conversation was via text. Make a plan, follow up.  Well share life goals and decide if we want to eventually see each other naked when we meet face to face. 

**if there is going to be quite a bit of time until you are able to meet, texting to ask about someones week or something simple is nice. Save getting to know each other for the date though.

  1. Canceling last minute

Raincheck

I get it, shit happens. Deadlines get moved up, flights get delayed and people get salmonella. But for Christ’s sake, show up for the dates you plan when humanly possible. Don’t be the asshole who has the nerve to say that he got too drunk the night before. Everyone is busy so be considerate of other people’s time. Also, if you need to ask for a raincheck, have a plan right away to meet again a few days later.

  1. Not following up early enough for a date

Last Minute Plans

As demonstrated in number 3, there are always plenty of flakes and everyones time is valuable. If you planned a date and haven’t spoken in a few days, follow up early in the day. Before noon preferably. No one wants to wait around checking their phone to see if a date is still on for that night. If we don’t hear from you at a reasonable time, we assume we are being flaked on and want to make other plans before it is too late so this could lead to you missing out.

  1. Not picking a place, or picking a place that makes no sense for a first date

Indecisive

It’s simple. Man up and pick a place. There are tons of restaurants in this city. There is no bigger turn off than a guy that is wishy washy and can’t just take the reigns and decide. You also have to be mindful of your choice. Is a live jazz bar really an easy place to have a conversation? Is the dive or the Irish pub more of a place to get smashed with you buddies during the football game? Wine bars are always a great way to go. The cozier the better. Bitches love wine bars! Also, if you are going out in a neighborhood that you are unfamiliar with, there is this great little invention called Yelp. Use it.

  1. Texting late at night asking to hang out

IMG_5796 copy

I feel I don’t need to say much about this. Texting us after you have been out drinking to ask if we want to ‘meet up’ or ‘hang out’ is a bush league move. It’s desperate. It’s sleazy. Don’t do it.

I hope this will shed some light upon the common mistakes that are often made that can easily lead to a missed connection.

If there is something that really makes you tick or you have a story that demonstrates one of these dating faux pas, let us know!

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Wined, Dined, Credit Card Declined

I met Josh on JDate and after exchanging pleasantries he invited me out for an evening.  I usually  like to keep first dates to drinks only  because I am not 100% sure that I will be able to stomach listening to the person for an entire meal, BUT, he insisted. He wanted to try a new restaurant that recently opened in the village and I graciously obliged.

As I was about to leave for the date I checked out the place on Yelp to figure out where it was located and what I should be wearing. I noticed the $$$$. Woah. OK big spender. It is certainly rolling the dice to drop that kind of coin on a meal for someone that could be a total crazy bitch for all you know. But whatever. I’m worth it…Right???

We sat down and he immediately asked the waiter a $120 bottle of Pinot Noir. Without even asking me if I had any preferences, he ordered Kobe beef carpaccio, tuna tar tar and an endive salad. This was followed by entrees, and even though I insisted on being absolutely stuffed,  he demanded the chocolate lava cake for desert.

As for the conversation, he was kind of a dick. All he spoke about was himself, how successful he was and how much cash he pulled in. Total. Douche.

Things took a turn for the worst when the bill came. The waitress came over and politely said, ‘I am sorry sir, this card was declined. Do you have another?’ With the way he was speaking, you would think he had a black card, but he conveniently left the rest of his cards at home that day.

Josh looked at me, laughed and said ‘Oh, well that’s embarrassing! Guess I will just have to get the next one then!’ How presumptuous.

I threw down my Visa and after parting with my hard earned $340 for an average dinner with shitty company, he had the nerve to ask when I will be free to go out again. To which I replied-

‘Whenever you’re ready to write me a check for the dinner I just bought you.’

I never heard from Josh again.

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Netflix and Kill

Adam actually gave me a glimmer of hope for a hot second until he fucked it up.

When it comes to dating, I am a bit old fashioned. I do prefer the man takes the reigns and plans the date. It isn’t hard to pick a decent cocktail bar in a city that boasts thousands of them. The date was refreshingly good. We had a few drinks and a few appetizers followed by some more drinks. We ended things with the obligatory drunk make out session in front of the subway.

After our little rendez-vous I had to leave town for the week. This could very well be a kiss of death for a fledgeling relationship, especially in New York City where there are so many options that one can get easily distracted if the other person leaves for even a weekend. Adam however, did a good job at keeping in touch. He would check in every other day to see what I was up to. It was enough to show me that I will still on his mind but not enough to annoy me.

The day I got back I was very much looking forward to seeing Adam again as he invited me out for dinner and drinks. After finishing my makeup and blow drying my hair, I received this:

Adam

WTF Adam???

This was the last time I spoke to Adam but he did have the audacity to hit me via another dating app. Way to kill it, Adam.

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The Rich Bitch Bait and Switch

My online dating tendencies tend to fluctuate depending on the time of year. With the cold creeping in and the sunlight so meager, it is officially netflix and chill season. It also doesn’t help that every time I login to any social networking forum, all I see are giant diamonds and happy families with babies standing in front of  Christmas trees reminding me how pathetic I feel spending a good chunk of my nights on the couch with my cats in my tiny one bedroom apartment eating mozzarella sticks.

So it was time to put myself back in the game. I downloaded Tinder (for the fifth time) and was ready to seize the day.

I matched with David.

I am not a fan of guys that brag about their success, but I try to be sensitive to the fact that with so much competition, perhaps it is quite nerve racking to try to impress a woman and stand out from the crowd. While chatting via text, David mentioned that he owns a home in Connecticut, and has a place in the city.   David also mentioned he was an avid traveler and was always up for an exotic adventure. What intrigued me the most was that he said he started his own hedge fund. Being a business owner myself, I thought this was a interesting thing to have in common.

Hard working, ambitious, and a traveler like me. Perhaps this could be a nice fit.

Wrong. So wrong.

As we sit down for drinks, David proceeds to tell me about his exotic travels. To Alabama. And South Dakota. IN HIS MINI VAN.  He also says that he has never left the country and has no desire to. Here I am looking for a partner to join me on future trips to Cambodia or Amsterdam and this asshole is trying to tell me how much fun it is to sleep in the back of a Town & Country and shower with baby wipes. No thanks, brah.

After explaining to me how he has debilitating ADHD and has dated several women who went to rehab for alcohol abuse, mister ‘I-have-a-house-in-Connecticut-and-a-place-in-the-city’ proceeds to tell me that he lives with his brother and his family in Connecticut and doesn’t have to pay rent so long as he watches the kids when need be, and OH YEAH, that place in the city is actually his parents’, but he can crash on the couch whenever he wants. As for the ‘hedge fund,’ he said it was a bit of a ‘work in progress,’ but for now, he was using his mini van to be an uber driver in Connecticut.

Needless to say, this wasn’t a match.
Rich B_1

RIch B_2

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